I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Animal poetry
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Danger is very dangerous
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*