Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody鈥檚 absolute last nerve.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I鈥檇 bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn鈥檛 getting medical care until tomorrow.
First it鈥檚 not safe INSIDE, now it鈥檚 not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I鈥檓 no therapist but I鈥檇 suggest that the fact that you鈥檝e whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won鈥檛 let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I鈥檓 finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That鈥檚 the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I鈥檓 going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn鈥檛 seem as if my hair is going with me, but I鈥檓 going.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We鈥檙e going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.