I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.