Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.