me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.