The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal