They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
San Francisco has too many rules
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation