I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
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“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.