Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.