How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
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dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job