calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
You Might Also Like
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Yup….perfect score!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me