After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
You Might Also Like
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.