[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.