Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
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Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.