Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
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If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Care for your back
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.