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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.