BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.