ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
mood
2022 will be better than 2021
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.