Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.