her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.