I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.