OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.