Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
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Why is no one talking about this?!
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.