Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
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“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Pandas 🐼🖤
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.