clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Hero horse inspires millions
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me: