Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
You Might Also Like
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Children of the corn 🌽
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
SF is the wild wild west man
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.