What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office