Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.