Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I saw this ending much differently.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.