ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.