A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
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Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.