My diet starts in January
of 2027
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn