girls literally only want one thing..
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”