Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
58.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.