Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Cinematography is my passion
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game