Me recordaron éste meme
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Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Unimpressed
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.