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How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis