My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Anime is real
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?