Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
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I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Sunday
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i think we should see other cousins
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….