FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
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I think we should hear other voices.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Merry Christmas
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee