Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.