a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.