Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Spa day..😅