why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.