Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Liquor Store Parking
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.