Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Smooooooth
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.