me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
just having fun
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.