I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
#Caturday
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”