The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101