greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
some Old Testament wisdom
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.